Wishes.
An excerpt from an e-mail to Rob:
My life feels really empty right now. I love my family and I love my friends, but I don't feel fulfilled. I have an aching, horrible fear that nobody is ever going to love me just as much as I love them. I get very attached to people, and I care too much. Stepping back and away from it never did me any good, and so I've stopped trying to distance myself from it. But now I just feel like I'm giving and giving and not getting back, and it's difficult.
I have so much to give, you know? And it seems like there's no one to give it to-- no one that will appreciate it. I stick out my hand a lot of times... and it isn't taken. That's fine, it's the other person's decision and I honestly can't be bitter. But it's just... difficult. And whenever I try to describe my problem/s or vent a bit, people either get cold or brush me off, or tell me I'm fabulous and I have nothing to worry about, etcetc. (This isn't necessarily online, but just in general, you know?) I know it's all meant well, but it makes me feel like I'm just another person to deal with... am I even making sense?
I always say that people can't be lumped together, that every person is a case-by-case basis. That you can't NOT trust someone (excuse the double-negative) because you've been hurt before. That just isn't fair. Maybe it comes from having a trusting heart, but I can't just brush someone off by telling them that they're wonderful and have nothing to worry about... and feel like I've done something for them. Everyone is different.
And religion. Where do I even start with religion? There's so much pressure here. I feel like some enormous elephant is sitting on my chest. I can't breathe. It isn't my church-- it isn't my religion. It's the people in my church that surround me every single day. I can't take their judgement. I am a good Mormon. I'm not a great Mormon or an excellent Mormon, but I am a good Mormon. I am so tired of feeling like the devil's spawn because I miss church twice in a row or because I wear a sleeveless shirt. Because I don't come to the activities that my congregation has-- every single night. I just can't. I'm tired of being made to feel like God is not important in my life just because I am not the most pious person ever to be invented. It takes all kinds, and God loves me just as much as he loves everyone else. It isn't my church. I just wish I could get away from Utah Valley... how judgmental and horrible everyone is here. They call themselves people of God, and I wish they could realize how many people they're crushing by being so righteous.
I just wish, Rob. I just wish.
My life feels really empty right now. I love my family and I love my friends, but I don't feel fulfilled. I have an aching, horrible fear that nobody is ever going to love me just as much as I love them. I get very attached to people, and I care too much. Stepping back and away from it never did me any good, and so I've stopped trying to distance myself from it. But now I just feel like I'm giving and giving and not getting back, and it's difficult.
I have so much to give, you know? And it seems like there's no one to give it to-- no one that will appreciate it. I stick out my hand a lot of times... and it isn't taken. That's fine, it's the other person's decision and I honestly can't be bitter. But it's just... difficult. And whenever I try to describe my problem/s or vent a bit, people either get cold or brush me off, or tell me I'm fabulous and I have nothing to worry about, etcetc. (This isn't necessarily online, but just in general, you know?) I know it's all meant well, but it makes me feel like I'm just another person to deal with... am I even making sense?
I always say that people can't be lumped together, that every person is a case-by-case basis. That you can't NOT trust someone (excuse the double-negative) because you've been hurt before. That just isn't fair. Maybe it comes from having a trusting heart, but I can't just brush someone off by telling them that they're wonderful and have nothing to worry about... and feel like I've done something for them. Everyone is different.
And religion. Where do I even start with religion? There's so much pressure here. I feel like some enormous elephant is sitting on my chest. I can't breathe. It isn't my church-- it isn't my religion. It's the people in my church that surround me every single day. I can't take their judgement. I am a good Mormon. I'm not a great Mormon or an excellent Mormon, but I am a good Mormon. I am so tired of feeling like the devil's spawn because I miss church twice in a row or because I wear a sleeveless shirt. Because I don't come to the activities that my congregation has-- every single night. I just can't. I'm tired of being made to feel like God is not important in my life just because I am not the most pious person ever to be invented. It takes all kinds, and God loves me just as much as he loves everyone else. It isn't my church. I just wish I could get away from Utah Valley... how judgmental and horrible everyone is here. They call themselves people of God, and I wish they could realize how many people they're crushing by being so righteous.
I just wish, Rob. I just wish.
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